Monday, February 13, 2017

Pakistani court issues nationwide ban on Valentine's Day

By Sophia Saifi, CNN

Updated 9:14 AM ET, Mon February 13, 2017

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Valentine's Day around the world – A shopkeeper prepares bouquets at a flower market in Gaza City.

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A boy holds a balloon as he attends a wedding at Gretna Green in Dumfries and Galloway, Scotland. Gretna Green has been hosting weddings since 1754 and is a popular destination for Valentine's Day weddings.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A boy holds a balloon as he attends a wedding at Gretna Green in Dumfries and Galloway, Scotland. Gretna Green has been hosting weddings since 1754 and is a popular destination for Valentine's Day weddings.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Roses are displayed on Valentine's Day at a flower market in Sydney.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple stands in front of a heart-shaped backdrop for a self-portrait at a park in Beijing.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Residents of Taiwan release a heart-shaped sky lantern.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple stands on the Galle Face beach in Colombo, Sri Lanka.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A vendor sells heart-shaped Valentine's Day balloons in Lahore, Pakistan.

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Brides line up with their husbands-to-be during a group Valentine's Day wedding at the National Croquet Center in West Palm Beach, Florida.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Brides line up with their husbands-to-be during a group Valentine's Day wedding at the National Croquet Center in West Palm Beach, Florida.

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A couple kisses on Valentine's Day before the soccer match between Gremio of Brazil and Huachipato of Chile for the Libertadores Cup, in Porto Alegre, Brazil.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple kisses on Valentine's Day before the soccer match between Gremio of Brazil and Huachipato of Chile for the Libertadores Cup, in Porto Alegre, Brazil.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple looks at each other at Republic Square in Mexico City.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Hundreds of couples wait in line for a mass Valentine's Day wedding in Manila, Philippines.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A giant Valentine's Day poster hangs on a construction site near a mosque in Beirut, Lebanon.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A shopkeeper prepares bouquets at a flower market in Gaza City.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Roses are displayed on Valentine's Day at a flower market in Sydney.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple stands in front of a heart-shaped backdrop for a self-portrait at a park in Beijing.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Residents of Taiwan release a heart-shaped sky lantern.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple stands on the Galle Face beach in Colombo, Sri Lanka.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A vendor sells heart-shaped Valentine's Day balloons in Lahore, Pakistan.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Brides line up with their husbands-to-be during a group Valentine's Day wedding at the National Croquet Center in West Palm Beach, Florida.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple kisses on Valentine's Day before the soccer match between Gremio of Brazil and Huachipato of Chile for the Libertadores Cup, in Porto Alegre, Brazil.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A couple looks at each other at Republic Square in Mexico City.

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Valentine's Day around the world – Hundreds of couples wait in line for a mass Valentine's Day wedding in Manila, Philippines.

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Valentine's Day around the world – A giant Valentine's Day poster hangs on a construction site near a mosque in Beirut, Lebanon.

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Story highlights

Valentine's Day leaves many divided in Pakistan
Businesses worry that the ban may affect trade

Islamabad (CNN)The Islamabad High Court in Pakistan's capital issued an order Monday that banned the celebration of Valentine's Day across the country 'with immediate effect.'

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine's Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in "any public space or government building."

Sultan Zaib in front of his garlands of roses.

The court has requested Pakistan's Electronic Media Regulatory Authority (PEMRA) to monitor these platforms and share any information that shows that the ban has been compromised.

The court's order came after a petition was submitted by a citizen called Abdul Waheed -- who claimed that ongoing promotions of Valentine's Day were "against the teachings of Islam and should be banned immediately."

Valentine's Day backlash

In Pakistan, Valentine's Day is seen by some as amoral and an appropriation of Western culture.

Resistance against it is not completely unusual. Religious groups like the Islamic political party jamat e Islami have often protested against marking Valentine's Day in the country and hold rallies annually against the celebration on February 14.

In 2016, the local government in the city of Peshawar in the country's northern province of Khyber Pakhtunkhua also banned celebrations.

The country's president Mamnoon Hussain, made a statement in February 2016, asking Pakistan's not to celebrate the day since it was "not a part of Muslim tradition, but of the West."

The Islamabad High Court's decision has also divided social media users, with some tweeting for the ban and others vehemently against it.

A chance to promote business

Though Valentine's day tends not to be celebrated widely across the country, in recent years, various companies have used the event to promote their products.

Mohammad Naveed who runs a roadside flower shop tells CNN he's invested close to $2000 on buying flower supplies for February 14.

In the first week of February, vendors start selling heart-shaped balloons and the price of red roses increases.

In Islamabad's markets Monday, florists standing amid large heart-shaped garlands of roses and bouquets of daffodils and jasmine were worried by the effects of the ban.

"We spend four to five days making these, I've got forty of them ready to be sold for tomorrow," Sultan Zaib, told CNN.

Mohammad Naveed, who runs a roadside flower shop, told CNN that he had invested close to the equivalent of $2000 on buying blooms for Valentine's Day.

Florists source flowers from abroad and from the nearby fields of Punjab. Usually they earn about $80 for a day's sales, but the amount increases tenfold on Valentine's day. "If they ban us from selling these tomorrow then it will be a disaster, we simply cannot afford this," said Naveed.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

We're endlessly told to be positive. But now one psychologist reveals... the power of saying NO!

Professor of Psychology Svend Brinkmann believes positive thinking is actually making us miserable because it sets us up to fail
Instead, he says, we should embrace the negative and look to Stoicism
Let the Stoics inspire you to find new ways to live with this seven-step guide

By Svend Brinkmann For The Daily Mail

PUBLISHED: 18:30 EST, 12 February 2017 | UPDATED: 18:30 EST, 12 February 2017

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How many times have you been told that ‘you just need to think positively!’ when faced with a job loss or an illness or a sudden family crisis?

As if merely thinking positive thoughts can somehow conjure solutions to every possible problem life throws at us. It is, in my opinion, one of the most offensive things you can say to someone — especially if they are seriously ill.

It is my contention that positive thinking is actually making us miserable, because it sets us up to fail. For when we find we’re not rich and successful, with a fabulous sex life and hundreds of friends, we have only ourselves to blame for a lack of motivation and positivity…

Stoicism is the perfect antidote to the relentless quest for cheerfulness and self-improvement that modern life has become, says Psychology Professor Svend Brinkmann

Instead, we should celebrate the negative: life’s problems, its grumbles, the half-empty glass. We should look to classical Stoic philosophy for inspiration — especially its emphasis on self-control, peace of mind, dignity and sense of duty.

We think of a stoic person as one who puts up with adversity in phlegmatic fashion. But the philosophy that originated in Ancient Greece has much more to offer than a simple stiff upper lip.

Stoicism, in my view, is the perfect antidote to the relentless quest for cheerfulness and self-improvement that modern life has become.

Let the Stoics inspire you to find new ways to live with this seven-step guide.

STOP NAVEL-GAZING

Analysing and ‘finding yourself’ are two of the most pervasive concepts in today’s self-help culture. Don’t do it. Accept you won’t find answers by looking inside yourself or relying on ‘gut feelings’.

You need to learn to look outwards, not inwards. In fact, is your inner voice even worth listening to? What if it tells you to give in to your desires and have an affair with a good-looking colleague? Often, the quest to ‘find yourself’ and to live ‘in the moment’ will lead to others being sacrificed along the way. Better to do your duty and fulfil your obligations to others.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Try doing something you don’t want to do. Take the bus instead of the car. Or cycle in the rain. Doing things that ‘don’t feel right inside’ helps us build up the strength to cope with whatever trials life might hold.

FOCUS ON LIFE’S NEGATIVES

The constant exhortation to think positively is one of modern life’s greatest tyrannies. Could doing the opposite actually be far more useful?

Focusing on the negative is the first step in dealing with problems. More than that, reflecting on all the negative things that might happen to you — and inevitably will happen to you, since even the most positive person eventually dies — will lead to greater appreciation of the life you are leading now.

This is one of the main ideas in the Stoic philosophy of life.

Life is hard, and yet we’re forced to pretend that it isn’t. When asked how you’re doing, you’re expected to say ‘Fine!’ , even if you’ve just lost your job/broken your leg/discovered your husband is having an affair.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Think about losing something you care for, and note how this enhances the pleasure that you derive from it.

PUT ON YOUR ‘NO’ HAT

Step three is about getting used to saying no. Being able to say no signifies that you’re a mature person with a certain degree of integrity.

The person who stays true to certain values — and is capable of saying no when those values are threatened — has character. What’s more, the fear of missing out means we’re constantly saying yes to things we don’t really want to do.

But does chasing the latest ‘adventure’ or fashion really mean we’re experiencing life to the fullest, or just feeling inadequate?

By contrast, the Stoics cherish ‘peace of mind’ — and accepting your current circumstances, as one of the highest virtues. People with peace of mind are precisely the types who are grounded enough to say no to all sorts of (unreasonable) requirements and demands.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Try saying no to five things every day. If your boss wants you to take a course in self-development, say no and suggest an ‘office cake day’ instead. In particular, try saying no to something you’ve long thought daft or unnecessary but kept doing anyway. Say no with a smile.

MASK YOUR FEELINGS

There’s nothing desirable about exploding in rage at a motorist driving too slowly in the fast lane, even if you do feel really angry.

The modern tendency to worship feelings turns us into unruly children. As an adult, you should instead admire those who are capable of controlling — and even suppressing —– emotions (whether negative or positive ones).

I soon stop listening to people who gush with praise or joy or gratitude all the time. Often, politely masking our emotions is the most sensible and desirable way to interact with other people.

WHAT WOULD THE STOICS DO: Practise not being affected by the pettiness of others. Act like the Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius and see the insignificance of things as an antidote to anger. So you broke your favourite vase? From the perspective of eternity, where everything is ultimately doomed to perish, it is an extremely small and insignificant matter.

SACK YOUR COACH

No, I’m not talking literally about life coaches: what I’m referring to here are all those representatives of what I call the ‘coachification of life’. Today we have leadership coaching at work, breastfeeding coaching, spiritual coaching, and all sorts of self-development stuff.

But the danger of coaching is that you are never allowed to stand still. There’s always room for improvement — and if you don’t improve, it’s your own fault. This can only lead to self-blame and guilt.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Enjoy experiences with no thought of how to use them for the purposes of self-improvement. Take a walk in the woods. The grass, the trees and the birds existed long before people, and will probably outlast us all. A little humility in the face of nature can give rise to a healthy scepticism about our tendency to self-obsess.

The best novels are complex, random, chaotic and multi-faceted. They remind you how little control you have over your life, and how it’s inextricably entangled with social, cultural and historical processes

READ A NOVEL

Don't opt for a self-help book or a celebrity autobiography, which are often thinly disguised versions of self-help books, with their plentiful tales of triumph over tragedy.

Self-help books peddle the fiction that meditation, say, or enhanced self-esteem will solve serious problems like lack of love — but they leave you despondent at your failure to realise their promises of happiness, wealth and health.

By contrast, the best novels are complex, random, chaotic and multi-faceted. They remind you how little control you have over your life, and how it’s inextricably entangled with social, cultural and historical processes.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Read at least one novel a month. A novel reflects multiple perspectives and helps you learn to accept adversity.

DWELL ON THE PAST

Techniques like mindfulness try to make us more ‘present in the moment’ and don’t bother at all with the past. But if we want to live well in the moral sense, it’s crucial that we know how to reflect on our own personal past.

Acknowledging your past mistakes will help you to act properly towards others. Dwelling on your past provides insights into the complexity of your life and how it’s intertwined with the lives of others.

WHAT THE STOICS WOULD DO: Look for traditions with long histories. Take up painting or play the violin, for example. To practice living traditions is to be reminded of the historical depth of our lives. Things aren’t necessarily good just because they’re new. Quite the opposite.

Stand Firm, Resisting the Self-Improvement Craze by Svend Brinkmann (Polity Books £12.99). © Svend Brinkmann 2017. To buy a copy for £11.69 (offer until February 20), call 0844 571 0640 or order at www.mailbookshop.co.uk. P&P is free on orders over £15.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

The mothers who cuddled, bathed and dressed their babies for weeks after they died: Some may find these pictures disturbing. But these women's stories are both heart-rending and uplifting

WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT: Pictures below show dead children with parents
As recently as the 1980s still-born children were taken away before being held
But changing attitudes and new technology has now altered medical approach
CuddleCot, with electric cooling system, allows mothers to take babies home
New approach now widespread and 92 per cent of hospitals offer CuddleCots

By Tanith Carey for the Daily Mail

PUBLISHED: 17:23 EST, 9 February 2017 | UPDATED: 21:47 EST, 9 February 2017

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Lynsey spent 15 days with her still-born son Rory before saying goodbye for good

Every parent expects to be woken up during the night by the cries of their baby. But after putting their five-month-old daughter in the cot at the end of their bed, Jodie and Matthew McAtamney-Greenwood had to survive those dark hours with a terrible, aching silence.

At 6am, when they went to lift Trinity out of her cot, there were none of the usual coos. Only complete stillness.

Trinity, who was born with an underdeveloped heart, had suffered a cardiac arrest three weeks before. On the date of her death in August 2015, she was one of at least 15 babies who died that day in the UK just before, during or within six months of birth.

Yet despite the agony, Jodie and Matthew still believe that taking her lifeless body home the day before her funeral — in a specially cooled bassinet that preserves infants’ bodies — helped them begin to come to terms with their loss.

‘It was incredibly hard watching her lying lifeless in her cot when, a few weeks earlier, she’d been rolling on her side and playing with her little hands,’ says Jodie, 25.

‘This time, we put her into her cot in a wicker basket that was fitted with a cooling pad to keep her body cold, so we could spend more time with her. Now, instead of being warm and rosy-cheeked, she was not frozen but was cool to the touch, as if she’d been taken for a walk on a winter’s day.

‘All night, I sat up in bed watching her, thinking “Maybe, you’ll surprise us and open your eyes”, yet knowing that wasn’t going to happen. But as painful as it was, I’m still so glad that Trinity was home with us for that last night. It’s where she belonged.’

Just a few years ago, babies who died were usually spirited away by medical staff, who said it was ‘for the best’. And as recently as the 1980s, some mothers never saw their stillborn child because it was seen as kinder not to allow them to bond in the first place.

But thanks to changing attitudes to child bereavement, as well as the CuddleCot — which contains an electric cooling system attached to a mat to keep the body temperature low — mothers are taking their babies home to care for them in the days before their funerals.

Often concealed in bassinets to give the appearance of a living baby sleeping, CuddleCots enable parents to spend time with their child before their final parting. The baby can be held, dressed and taken for walks like a living child.

Many people were surprised, though, when the widespread use of the devices was revealed last week.

It came to light when 21-year-old Charlotte Szakacs and her husband Attila, 28, from York, told how they had used the equipment to care for their daughter Evelyn for two weeks after she died due to a chromosome disorder a month after birth.

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Lynsey Bell and her husband Mark, who also have three other children, kept their stillborn son Rory with them for two weeks so they could say proper goodbyes to him

So, are parents simply being allowed to live in denial? Or, as macabre as this sounds, can delaying the inevitable decay of a baby’s body — and allowing families to say goodbye in their own time — help them deal with their loss?

The evidence is that it does indeed help. A recent review of the research in the journal Birth found that removing a child from its parents too early leaves them not only unable to process their grief, but with the gnawing feeling that their child never mattered.

As result of such findings, 92 per cent of British hospitals offer CuddleCots to bereaved families.

A growing number of hospices and funeral homes also supply the cots, which were launched six years ago by a Midlands company and cost about £1,500 each.

Erica Stewart, a bereavement support specialist at stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands, says: ‘In years gone by, keeping the babies away was seen as a way to protect the mothers, who were often told to go home and try for another child.

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Charlotte and Attila Szakacs with their desperately ill daughter Evelyn

‘Thanks to advances in psychology and counselling, we know that when parents have good bereavement care and can stay with their children, it has a positive impact on their future mental health.’

Some parents can stay with their baby for up to a month, says Erica, as there is no immediate deadline for burial nor any infection risks from the body of a newborn baby.

‘It normally just comes to a natural end, with the parents knowing when it’s time to say goodbye,’ she says. ‘That time spent together can help any mother — whether they have lost a baby at birth or several months afterwards. There is no hierarchy in grief.’

Jodie, a lifeguard from Chessington, Surrey, knows the pain of both only too well. She lost her first daughter, Serenity, in April 2014, when, for unexplained reasons, she died in the womb.

A refrigerated bassinet allowed Jodie to keep Serenity with her in hospital for three days.

Then, with unbearable poignancy, after she and husband Matthew donated a CuddleCot for other families in memory of their daughter, they used one again when their second daughter, Trinity, died from an unrelated heart defect.

‘We do wonder: “Why us?” ’ says Jodie. ‘There is no answer, so we just have to live each day as it comes.

‘With Serenity, I didn’t want to see her for 12 hours because I didn’t know what to expect. But when I held her, I found it comforting because, though she was dead, she was still my baby to care for.

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Lynsey pictured with her children Daisy, 10, Max, 7 and Poppy, 4, said that having Rory for those extra four days gave them closure

‘With Trinity, it was different because I got to see her smile, sing her nursery rhymes and make silly voices to make her laugh.’

The family were on a trip to Wales when Trinity died suddenly. Jodie visited her child’s body every day at the hospital mortuary, but on the night before her funeral, she decided to bring her daughter home.

‘She was in the white wicker basket she was going to be buried in the next day. We had our friends and family come and spend time cuddling her. I held her a lot, because it was the last hug she was ever going to have.’

It’s hard to imagine such agony. Yet Jodie believes having her daughter home again was invaluable.

‘It helped because I would have felt guilty if she hadn’t spent the last night where she belonged,’ she says. ‘I would still rather have that memory of her at home than the memory of seeing the hospital staff trying to resuscitate her.’

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Mark and Lynsey, pictured in June last year

Nursery nurse Lynsey Bell agrees. When her son Rory died in August 2014 during childbirth, she and her husband Mark changed his nappy, washed him, sang to him, cuddled him and read him stories for the 18 days until his funeral.

The day before the service, they took him to Lynsey’s parents’ home, where he was at their side for their final night together.

‘People are so wrong if they think parents are playing mummy and daddy with dead babies — it’s not like that at all,’ says Lynsey, 33, from Newcastle upon Tyne.

‘We’re not living in some fantasy world. We know the baby is no longer there.

‘But having Rory for those days helped give us closure. By the time we said goodbye, we knew every last inch of him. You want to take in every little ounce of them because you know you’re never going to see them again. That time is precious because it’s all we have.’

Psychologist Dr Deborah Davis, author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving The Death Of Your Baby, agrees.

‘Parents get to be parents, and express their love in physical ways, such as admiring features, bathing, dressing and sleeping with their little one,’ she says.

‘Setting their own pace offers parents a sense of control, which can minimise the trauma of letting go.’

So it was for Josie Pavey after her daughter, Billy-Rose, died aged six months in December 2012.

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When Rory died in August 2014 during childbirth, Lynsey and Mark Bell changed his nappy, washed him, sang to him, cuddled him and read him stories for the 18 days until his funeral

At first, Billy-Rose was not expected to survive her birth. At 34 weeks pregnant, Josie, a healthcare training consultant from Frome, Somerset, was told her baby was suffering from hydranencephaly, a condition in which the brain is not fully formed.

In an almost unimaginable stroke of misfortune, when her partner Ben learned the news, he suffered a fit, banged his head and went into a coma. He died a week later, seven weeks before Billy-Rose was born in June 2012.

It made Josie, 45, all the more determined to make her short time together with her daughter as memorable as possible. Every day, she catalogued her tiny child’s life, giving her a new experience, whether it was putting her feet on the grass or smelling flowers.

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Billy-Rose died of pneumonia in Josie’s arms on December 14, but Josie was still determined to give her little girl her first Christmas.

Given her own room at the funeral home, Billy-Rose was put in a CuddleCot and Josie visited her every day, decorating the room with her toys.

‘It may sound morbid, but I wanted that Christmas with her,’ says Josie. ‘When your baby dies and you wake up every morning to find they aren’t there, it’s like falling into an abyss.

‘So I looked forward to visiting her and spending more time with her, chatting or holding her hand.

‘On Christmas Day, I opened her presents for her. I read her a new book, Guess How Much I Love You?, and my family came to visit.

‘That little bit of extra time helped me to get used to the fact that Billy-Rose was gone. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it does make that transition a bit more gentle. I kissed her every day she was alive. When I kissed her in death, her skin was like marble.

‘It helped me acknowledge she was not there any more and that I had to let her body go. I still look back on it as a beautiful time.’

Mel Scott, an occupational therapist from Somerset who organises bereavement training days, says allowing parents time with their dead babies helps them come to terms with the loss.

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The day before the service, they took him to Lynsey’s parents’ home, where he was at their side for their final night together

Mel, 37, who lost her son Finley in 2009, found it helped to be able to bathe, dress and read to him after his death. However, when he started to change physically, Mel knew it was time to let him go.

‘The fact that he had changed, that his face and nails had become purple and black, helped me recognise he was gone. It was the only thing that made seeing his coffin go into the dirt bearable.

‘Until you have been in that position, you don’t know how you would respond. The important thing is choice. When your baby dies, you feel as if every choice has been taken away.

‘Even now, I have countless parents contacting me via my charity, Towards Tomorrow Together, to say they aren’t able to heal because they didn’t get to bathe, dress or kiss their baby.

‘Those regrets hurt so much for many years after the loss.’

Josie Pavey with Billy-Rose, who died aged six months in 2012

For Corporal Michael McLeod , 27, and Jillian, 28, who lost their first baby, Lucy, at 30 weeks on December 27, the pain of her loss is still raw — but they believe the three days they spent with her at home before her funeral will, in time, make it easier.

When Jillian came round from anaesthetic after an operation to try to save her and her unborn child, one of her first fears was that someone would try to take her lifeless baby away.

But Michael says he is grateful that he and his wife were able to keep their child with them until Jillian was ready to let her go.

‘Lucy was brought to me in a blanket while Jillian was still in surgery,’ says Michael. ‘I was blown away by how perfect she was. She was so tiny, 3lb 11oz, and she looked just like me.

‘At first, Jillian was confused. When I’d made sure she understood that Lucy had passed away, I brought her over.’

For five days, they kept Lucy with them. Then, on December 31, the couple took Lucy home.

Michael says: ‘We took Lucy straight up to her nursery, where we laid the CuddleCot in the crib I’d put together a few days before.

‘We didn’t want to pick her up too much because we knew her body needed to stay cool. Most of the time we kept her in her nursery — but I never closed the door or turned off the light. I didn’t want her lying in the dark.’

Michael says that that time at home with Lucy helped them to recognise when to let go.

‘You could see from the bruising and discoloration that was developing on Lucy’s body that it was time to say goodbye,’ he says.

‘Though the heartache was incomprehensible, for us that time with Lucy was invaluable.’

Monday, February 13, 2017

Pakistani court issues nationwide ban on Valentine's Day

Story highlights

Valentine's Day backlash

A chance to promote business

Sunday, February 12, 2017

We're endlessly told to be positive. But now one psychologist reveals... the power of saying NO!

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Thursday, February 9, 2017

The mothers who cuddled, bathed and dressed their babies for weeks after they died: Some may find these pictures disturbing. But these women's stories are both heart-rending and uplifting

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